An expert weighs in on common misconceptions surrounding kink, how to practice safely, and why 50 Shades of Grey is bad advertising.
While BDSM may have entered the mainstream (thanks, 50 Shades of Grey), the images of kink splayed out across the media often paint an incomplete picture of taboo sexual behaviors — a picture that fuels already pervasive misconceptions, particularly about the LGBT community.
We sat down with therapist and mental health advocate Jor-El Caraballo to clear up some of the confusion surrounding kink and hear his take on how to explore, practice, and safely engage with pleasure and pain.
First Things First: What Does Kink Entail?
As a term, kink applies to a conventionally taboo behavior or fantasy from which a person derives sexual pleasure. This is often BDSM related, but it’s important to note that kink does not always have to be painful. Some common kinks that have nothing to do with physical pain include watersports (urinating on your partner or vice versa), incestuous role-playing, foot fetishes, infantilism, furries (an attraction to humans with animal qualities), and voyeurism.
Common Misconceptions Debunked
1. Kink is for People With Emotional Baggage
“Part of my work is to dismantle the widespread belief that kink is inherently bad,” Caraballo says. “People assume it stems from negative experiences, when really it’s centered around exploration and curiosity.”
While many mainstream portrayals of BDSM position kink as an abusive behavior that stems from trauma (again, thank you Christian Grey), the reality is that most of the time it’s simply a sexual preference. Whether you’re single, partnered, poly, monogamous, or otherwise, kink is commonly practiced in all types of relationships, though frequently only discussed behind closed doors for fear of shame or embarrassment.
2. Kinky Behavoir Is Violent or Non-Consensual
“There is a huge difference between consensual sexual acts that include pain and reorient power dynamics and non-consensual acts that use pain to force an unwelcomed manipulation of power,” says Caraballo. “It’s impossible to overemphasize the distinction.”
What may be pleasurable in one context could be extremely harmful in another, and explicit consent is one of the most important tenets of practicing kink. Responsible kinky activity comes with rules and guidelines understood and respected by both partners both during and outside of play.
3. It’s Just Like 50 Shades of Grey
“When people think about kink, they immediately think about 50 Shades of Grey — because most folks hadn’t encountered it until that franchise hit the mainstream,” Caraballo says. “It was just a monster in terms of exposing people to this other world.”
Caraballo emphasizes that the kink dynamic established in 50 Shades is by no means the norm — and it shouldn’t be. For one, he notes, “the film presents a very white, very cisgendered, very heteronormative version of kink.” The 50 Shades narrative also takes place within a not-entirely healthy relational dynamic — one that operates within the confines of toxic masculinity and the assumption that kink is an outlet for those who’ve experienced trauma.
Caraballo encourages his clients not to feel yoked to mainstream conceptions of kink, especially since the population he works with does not fit into this model. “In the LGBTQ community, there’s already a freedom in exploring sexuality in a broader way,” Caraballo says. “From pornography to sex parties to sex toys, my queer patients are in many ways more free to open up their sex lives due to less restrictive ideas surrounding sexuality within the community.”
Interested in Getting Kinky? Here’s Where You Should Start
For those who are curious, Caraballo encourages the earnest exploration of erotic fantasies through exposure to kink pornography, kink-specific erotica, and entering spaces where kink is discussed, practiced, or taught. Thanks to the rise of online communities, he says, there are countless ways to gain gradual exposure to the different facets of kink before diving in IRL. Online courses like The Submissive Playground and resources like Kink Academy offer low-stakes educational opportunities for those who might not feel BDSM club-ready right out the gate.
Once you’re ready to step outside, consider finding a Munch in your area. Munches are casual, non-sexual hang-outs for people who are interested in, think they might be interested in, or are active in BDSM. You can also head to a class at a local sex shop, try a fetish club, or attend a kink party.
“Like many things, there has to be a real healthy sense of individual exploration,” Caraballo advises. “That could be in the form of books, it could be erotica, or other materials, just like checking out a video and noticing how it feels to interact and be present with that material.”
Once you’ve taken the time to explore your individual interests, Caraballo emphasizes the importance of an honest conversation with your partner(s) to establish boundaries. What’s on the table, and what’s off? It’s essential to ensure each participant is on the same page before diving in — that means having a sober conversation outside of a sexual setting in which everyone’s voice is heard.
Whether it’s light spanking, a blindfold, group sex, foot worship, or role-playing, the key to integrating fantasy into real life is learning and practicing safety. Establish limits with your partner(s), be clear about what you want, and remember that — when consensual — there’s no such thing as a bad kink.